Depression diagnosis

Things are good, but things were greater over 1 month ago. And still, my best friend tricked me, yelled at me, and then forced me to see a doctor. It’s been over a month now that I have been diagnosed with major depression. I still don’t understand it.

                   I am somehow truly happy with life… yet the thoughts in my head are insanely scary. And they have been since I was 12-13 years old. I pray, I fight, I read, I learn, I grow, I cry, I laugh, I meditate on God’s word, I follow my dreams, I eat healthy, I exercise, I focus on hobbies, I surround myself with family and spend time with friends… I’ve tried it all. But life happens!

                   I work 9 hour shifts, spend one-on-one time with my daughter, cook dinner, and clean, I can’t always exercise, I can’t always eat perfectly because sometimes there isn’t enough time in the day to pack the perfect-healthy lunch. I’ve prayed and I’ve known that God is with me, and then at the same time I’ve wondered “what’s the point?”

                   I had a very scary episode in which I reached out to Tiffany, one of my 2 best friends since 7th grade who has seen and heard of my ups and downs since. Within the hour she scheduled me an appointment with her doctor in which she said “it would be free because you are a friend of an employee” which was her. She tricked me, she payed for it.  

                   I was hesitant to go because deep down inside I felt like “depression isn’t real. I pray, life is good, there is nothing to be upset about… maybe I’ll just be starting my time of the month and I’m emotional.”

                   The next day, I picked my daughter up from her dad’s house. (this is how God works) My daughter randomly decided to ask me “Why are we alive? Lita (grandma) was telling me about heaven. Why can’t we all just die and be in heaven. I want to die and be in heaven now.”

                   I was stunned. She kept talking about this as my heart dropped and I prayed for God to help me understand so I could give her the right answer. She then ended it with saying “Mom, I’m going to do my best at being the best daughter ever so that I don’t ruin your life.”

                   Again, I was stunned. I asked “Why do you think you’re going to ruin my life?” She said, “The other night. You were really sad and mad, and you said because I’m mean to you, that I’m ruining your life.”

                   My heart dropped again. I didn’t (and still don’t) remember saying any of that to her.

                   I texted Tiffany and said, “Make the appointment sooner. I will be there whatever day and time you want me there.”

                   I was able to talk to my daughter. I told her “How would you feel if you gave me a gift and I didn’t want it?” She said, “bad.” I responded with “God gave us life as a gift. He wants us to enjoy it… to make the most of it… and when the time is right, then we will experience heaven.” Then, of course, I went on and on explaining how there is no way she could ruin my life… and that she has saved it.

                   Over 1 month ago I started medication and I was supposed to start counseling, but since COVID-19 entered out lives, it hasn’t been very possible. I still don’t fully understand depression, but I know it’s real.

                   The doctor was asking me numerous questions and I answered as honestly as possible. A lot of things that I thought were normal… isn’t.

                   So, today… I decided to write about it and share my experience… even though I still don’t fully understand it. I want others to be aware and to be careful, especially since many are stuck in isolation to help reduce the hospital visits and the spread of the virus.

                   I am scared of being stuck at home but it is an absolute blessing that my sister and her boyfriend decided to come stay with me through this so that I wouldn’t be alone and my daughter can enjoy her time out of school at it’s best.

                   My entire family and the 4 friends that know have been pretty supportive.

                   I’m worried about not being able to pay bills, I am worried that the depression might rise again, but those worries are pushed aside as I focus on priorities (health, family, friends, life) and knowing I am doing my best so that God can get to work on the rest.

Everything IS going to be better than “alright.”

23 thoughts on “Depression diagnosis

  1. I always saw in your eyes that sadness. I saw always in you, a person fighting so hard to be happy by making others extremely comfortable and easy around you. It takes really “COJONES” to openly talk about it! One more time…I applaud you girl.

    I haven’t found your strength just yet, but sure I am very close to it. I have no courage to confront a doctor.

    When I started working at the clinic, after 10 long years of isolation with my daughters, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel for the first time. I found, as you I’ll say, that giving to kids in need as my daughters would ease my pain somehow. And it did while it lasted. I find myself battling again old monsters that consume my nights. But I will tell you something, I feel better prepare this time. I cannot gave up, not now. This crazy virus is not going to push me down. I am seeing this as a re set, needed and commanded by God! I am trusting he knows what he is doing.

    Once more, sounding silly now, I would say “You have a friend in me” 🙂 ….

    To be continued….. Be safe!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I truly admire your courage, my dear sister, demonstrated by this transparent sharing. I believe that is such a beautiful way to let the light of Jesus shine into the vulnerable parts of our hearts and lives. May He bring you His precious healing in the parts that hurt. He loves you SO much!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Many of us have experienced depression, anxiety and other things. God bless your friend who got you to the doctor. Things can be better but don’t get down if it takes time. Your response to your daughter was perfect. You are seeing things clearer. Keep on this path. There are many in this community who will give support. We understand.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I feel for you Marysol and I’m glad the medication is working for you right now. You are lucky to have so many good friends around to support you, to care about you and pray for you. Look after yourself my lovely. Caz x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. First you well done for taking the steps to see the doctor! That’s a true friend.
    Secondly, your daughters words were meant to be, it was the motivation you needed. It’s so brave of you to be so honest about this. I myself suffer from depression and I too thought I’d wasn’t real. If I may make a suggestion while you’re not able to go to counselling maybe try some hypnosis. I’ve been listening to positive thinking hypnosis and it’s really helped me. It’s not a quick cure, but it does help if you stick to it. Whenever I feel myself slipping I always go back to it. All the best with your journey, you’ve got this hun!!! You can do beat this!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi, thank you so much for your response. It’s greatly appreciated. And thank you for the advice. I will look some stuff up tonight and give it a shot. I love hearing all the types of ways people cope regarding this struggle. Again, thank you for the encouragement. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My pleasure lovely. I will try anything and everything I can to get to a better place. All the best on your journey lovely .


  6. You are not alone in this, far from it. I am glad you are getting the help you need. I suffer from PTSD and it took me awhile to admit it and seek help. I have never regretted that decision. Stay strong and you will get through this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, my friend, it’s been a few months since it all began and I am on the same boat you are — haven’t regretted admitting it and seeking the help. It’s a tough journey but a beautiful one. Grateful for you!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. My heart goes out to anyone battling depression. I’ve been there and it’s like fighting ghosts. Admitting depression is the hardest thing to do and I admire you for having the strength to do it! Know that you’re a very beautiful and strong person and we’re always in your cheering section. ❤


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s