Depression diagnosis

Things are good, but things were greater over 1 month ago. And still, my best friend tricked me, yelled at me, and then forced me to see a doctor. It’s been over a month now that I have been diagnosed with major depression. I still don’t understand it.

                   I am somehow truly happy with life… yet the thoughts in my head are insanely scary. And they have been since I was 12-13 years old. I pray, I fight, I read, I learn, I grow, I cry, I laugh, I meditate on God’s word, I follow my dreams, I eat healthy, I exercise, I focus on hobbies, I surround myself with family and spend time with friends… I’ve tried it all. But life happens!

                   I work 9 hour shifts, spend one-on-one time with my daughter, cook dinner, and clean, I can’t always exercise, I can’t always eat perfectly because sometimes there isn’t enough time in the day to pack the perfect-healthy lunch. I’ve prayed and I’ve known that God is with me, and then at the same time I’ve wondered “what’s the point?”

                   I had a very scary episode in which I reached out to Tiffany, one of my 2 best friends since 7^th grade who has seen and heard of my ups and downs since. Within the hour she scheduled me an appointment with her doctor in which she said “it would be free because you are a friend of an employee” which was her. She tricked me, she payed for it.  

                   I was hesitant to go because deep down inside I felt like “depression isn’t real. I pray, life is good, there is nothing to be upset about… maybe I’ll just be starting my time of the month and I’m emotional.”

                   The next day, I picked my daughter up from her dad’s house. (this is how God works) My daughter randomly decided to ask me “Why are we alive? Lita (grandma) was telling me about heaven. Why can’t we all just die and be in heaven. I want to die and be in heaven now.”

                   I was stunned. She kept talking about this as my heart dropped and I prayed for God to help me understand so I could give her the right answer. She then ended it with saying “Mom, I’m going to do my best at being the best daughter ever so that I don’t ruin your life.”

                   Again, I was stunned. I asked “Why do you think you’re going to ruin my life?” She said, “The other night. You were really sad and mad, and you said because I’m mean to you, that I’m ruining your life.”

                   My heart dropped again. I didn’t (and still don’t) remember saying any of that to her.

                   I texted Tiffany and said, “Make the appointment sooner. I will be there whatever day and time you want me there.”

                   I was able to talk to my daughter. I told her “How would you feel if you gave me a gift and I didn’t want it?” She said, “bad.” I responded with “God gave us life as a gift. He wants us to enjoy it… to make the most of it… and when the time is right, then we will experience heaven.” Then, of course, I went on and on explaining how there is no way she could ruin my life… and that she has saved it.

                   Over 1 month ago I started medication and I was supposed to start counseling, but since COVID-19 entered out lives, it hasn’t been very possible. I still don’t fully understand depression, but I know it’s real.

                   The doctor was asking me numerous questions and I answered as honestly as possible. A lot of things that I thought were normal… isn’t.

                   So, today… I decided to write about it and share my experience… even though I still don’t fully understand it. I want others to be aware and to be careful, especially since many are stuck in isolation to help reduce the hospital visits and the spread of the virus.

                   I am scared of being stuck at home but it is an absolute blessing that my sister and her boyfriend decided to come stay with me through this so that I wouldn’t be alone and my daughter can enjoy her time out of school at it’s best.

                   My entire family and the 4 friends that know have been pretty supportive.

                   I’m worried about not being able to pay bills, I am worried that the depression might rise again, but those worries are pushed aside as I focus on priorities (health, family, friends, life) and knowing I am doing my best so that God can get to work on the rest.

Everything IS going to be better than “alright.”