Depression diagnosis

Things are good, but things were greater over 1 month ago. And still, my best friend tricked me, yelled at me, and then forced me to see a doctor. It’s been over a month now that I have been diagnosed with major depression. I still don’t understand it.

                   I am somehow truly happy with life… yet the thoughts in my head are insanely scary. And they have been since I was 12-13 years old. I pray, I fight, I read, I learn, I grow, I cry, I laugh, I meditate on God’s word, I follow my dreams, I eat healthy, I exercise, I focus on hobbies, I surround myself with family and spend time with friends… I’ve tried it all. But life happens!

                   I work 9 hour shifts, spend one-on-one time with my daughter, cook dinner, and clean, I can’t always exercise, I can’t always eat perfectly because sometimes there isn’t enough time in the day to pack the perfect-healthy lunch. I’ve prayed and I’ve known that God is with me, and then at the same time I’ve wondered “what’s the point?”

                   I had a very scary episode in which I reached out to Tiffany, one of my 2 best friends since 7th grade who has seen and heard of my ups and downs since. Within the hour she scheduled me an appointment with her doctor in which she said “it would be free because you are a friend of an employee” which was her. She tricked me, she payed for it.  

                   I was hesitant to go because deep down inside I felt like “depression isn’t real. I pray, life is good, there is nothing to be upset about… maybe I’ll just be starting my time of the month and I’m emotional.”

                   The next day, I picked my daughter up from her dad’s house. (this is how God works) My daughter randomly decided to ask me “Why are we alive? Lita (grandma) was telling me about heaven. Why can’t we all just die and be in heaven. I want to die and be in heaven now.”

                   I was stunned. She kept talking about this as my heart dropped and I prayed for God to help me understand so I could give her the right answer. She then ended it with saying “Mom, I’m going to do my best at being the best daughter ever so that I don’t ruin your life.”

                   Again, I was stunned. I asked “Why do you think you’re going to ruin my life?” She said, “The other night. You were really sad and mad, and you said because I’m mean to you, that I’m ruining your life.”

                   My heart dropped again. I didn’t (and still don’t) remember saying any of that to her.

                   I texted Tiffany and said, “Make the appointment sooner. I will be there whatever day and time you want me there.”

                   I was able to talk to my daughter. I told her “How would you feel if you gave me a gift and I didn’t want it?” She said, “bad.” I responded with “God gave us life as a gift. He wants us to enjoy it… to make the most of it… and when the time is right, then we will experience heaven.” Then, of course, I went on and on explaining how there is no way she could ruin my life… and that she has saved it.

                   Over 1 month ago I started medication and I was supposed to start counseling, but since COVID-19 entered out lives, it hasn’t been very possible. I still don’t fully understand depression, but I know it’s real.

                   The doctor was asking me numerous questions and I answered as honestly as possible. A lot of things that I thought were normal… isn’t.

                   So, today… I decided to write about it and share my experience… even though I still don’t fully understand it. I want others to be aware and to be careful, especially since many are stuck in isolation to help reduce the hospital visits and the spread of the virus.

                   I am scared of being stuck at home but it is an absolute blessing that my sister and her boyfriend decided to come stay with me through this so that I wouldn’t be alone and my daughter can enjoy her time out of school at it’s best.

                   My entire family and the 4 friends that know have been pretty supportive.

                   I’m worried about not being able to pay bills, I am worried that the depression might rise again, but those worries are pushed aside as I focus on priorities (health, family, friends, life) and knowing I am doing my best so that God can get to work on the rest.

Everything IS going to be better than “alright.”

Why would a child be in a hospital if God could heal them through prayer? (From my book, The Open Letter)

Why would a child be in a hospital if God could heal them through prayer?

(“If God is the author of all truth, we need not be afraid to examine what might appear to be competing truth claims.” (The Integration of Psychology and Theology – J.D Carter, B. Narramore)

“Where the truth is, in so far as it is truth, there God is.” – Cervantes)


A question has sparked this prayer

A question has caused me to question You

If you are a powerful God

A loving and merciful God

Why are there children in hospitals?

Why are people sleeping on streets?

Why do we depend on doctors?

If you, through prayer, can meet our needs?

I don’t understand your power,

I don’t understand your love

It’s stated that it’s unconditional,

So, why is life so tough?

We gather in prayer for healing,

We gather in prayer for strength,

We gather in prayer for you to come through,

But, is prayer really all that it takes?

Why do we need hospitals?

If prayer will bring the healing?

Why do we need therapist’s?

If prayer will cure our feelings?

I guess what I’m really asking is

Why do our prayers get let down?

Some people who don’t pray at all,

Get healing all around.

Some people who never cease to stop,

Are ignored and so broken down…

What is the purpose of prayer?

How do you choose when to listen?

How do you choose when to answer some prayers?

And how do you choose when to dismiss them?

I’ve read in Matthew, Seventeen, Twenty

Faith the size of a mustard seed is plenty,

And yet sometimes it’s never enough,


Bring clarity to what we speak of.

God’s Response:

Your faith moves me in your direction

Not in the direction that you demand,

Your faithful prayer invites me in

But, doesn’t confirm your wanted plan.

I created the world you live in,

I created the people you see

My love is unconditional,

Which means you have the freedom to be.

Prayer unites us both,

Prayer connects my spirit with yours,

My power will lie within you,

This connection will open new doors.

Doors that evil has hidden,

Doors that will ignite your faith,

Doors that will show you truth,

That lives are not what’s at stake.

Your soul is what evil is after,

It’s your soul that evil will hit.

It uses physical death to fill others with pain,

And their souls to deteriorate.

So, you pray for me to come through,

You pray for me to intervene,

Your prayer leads me to save your soul,

But, you’re blinded by the scene.

You pray for your child to live,

As I watch evil sweep the streets,

I will comfort you in your healing,

And attend to your every need,

But I now hold on to your child,

As your anger blames it on me,

You say that I’m a liar,

Because your demands, I did not meet.

You say prayer doesn’t change things,

You say my love and power is weak,

You question whether I even exist,

Or if your lives even matter to me.

So, when should I take control of your day?

When your child is lying in pain?

Or when you’ve decided to drive while drunk?

To which you avoided the thought of my name.

When should I follow through with your demanded prayers?

As you pray for your relationship to be fixed,

You want me to heal the marriage,

When clearly your souls are at risk.

I aim for your souls to be healed,

I aim for your souls to be free,

I am here for you to experience true love,

Because evil will not let you be.


“We have hospitals for when we are attacked by evil, because evil does roam this world. And these hospitals fight for our healing which is a success when God says it is better for one to heal. It is not a success when God says it is better for this person to be with Him. Why not do the healing Himself if He is an all-powerful God? Well, when one child falls and scrapes his knee and another child places a band aid on him, does it not make the hurt child feel less alone, help that child to know he has a friend, and simply united with the others around him? God’s love is not proud or selfish, it is unconditional… He wants us to experience love even if we give others the credit and lose our belief in Him because of it.”

Cuts from – The Open Letter

I took a 6-month break from my book because I got super bored with it. I’ve been working on it again but have decided to cut a few things that seem weaker than the rest of the book. Still, I’d like to share some of the things that are being cut out just in case it helps -even one- person. The book I am writing is a fiction story that consists of a variety of people crying out to God, but while being so caught up with emotions and what -seems to be- truth from damaging experiences, they can’t hear God crying out in return with His actual truth.

I am just a mere human

And, I do understand that.

So, when you say I am forgiven,

I know that I’m brought back.

But, God, it’s been a while,

And there’s nothing but a wall.

I’ve been praying for forgiveness,

But this wall just doesn’t fall.

I am numb, and I am silent

My words become violent,

I am angry my God, and it’s not easy to hide it.

My prayers have shortened,

Then my words go unspoken,

I spread your word, God,

But our relationship is broken.

I feel empty without you,

Without purpose, without rest,

Without our relationship,

I don’t feel much blessed.

Father, God, I am here

All I desire is you.

I am not worth much,

But I beg to renew,

The Father and child blessing,

The connection of love,

What has now become a memory,

That I hold strongly of.

What am I doing wrong?

Why can’t we be?

I am asking you questions, God.

Please answer me.

God’s response:

Hold on to my truth, child,

I am here and I’m for you,

If anything, it’s your truth,

That needs to be renewed.

I’ve never left you, and I never will

I am a part of you, holding still,

All the while, you try to be strong

And keep on disregarding my will.

I am the strength of your weakness,

You have sunk to such deepness,

Believing this wall,

Could keep us from reaches.

I am holding you child,

This wall is just a vision,

Please wipe your eyes clean

And see the true condition.

I live in your heart,

And you live in mine,

We could never be apart

So, stop wasting our time.

Pour out your heart,

Let’s reconnect through prayer,

Don’t hold back on your words,

This could all be repaired.

You’ll find me in your pain,

You’ll see me in your stress,

I’ll hold you through each word,

And solve this mattered mess.

So, please rely on me,

Please don’t deny me,

We have this chance for connection,

Please don’t die on me,

But instead re-die with me,

And as you die in me,

You’ll revive to see,

I’ve always been here, and I always will be…

I talk and I write

I make moves and I fight

I want to be yours

But, it’s as if you don’t want me in sight.

I am silent and reserved

I sit still as I observe

My desire to be yours

Is a desire that goes unheard

I am broken and angry

So, I sit back and wonder if maybe,

I’ve fallen so deep that…

There’s nothing left in me.

Why am I a no-one?

Of no importance and no purpose.

Deep within is a brilliant passion

That I fear to bring to surface,

Because, who am I without You?

And without You is where I am

I’ve fought, and I’ve fought, God…

And here without You, is where I stand.

Realizing that God cries out back to us has been a long learning process, but it has greatly impacted my life. We always beg for God to hear our cries, yet, after we vent to God… we move on without taking the time to listen to Him in return and assume he either doesn’t care… or that he doesn’t exist. Most of us are so focused on ourselves, wanting God’s power for ourselves, wanting God to make moves for our own benefit, and then denying his existence because He doesn’t give in to our weak desires. Just as your child would tell you that you “don’t love them” because you won’t allow them to have extra dessert or get out of brushing their teeth. You discipline with love because you know what is best for them, instead of giving in to their weak desires, you enforce what is right. We tend to forget that God’s love is unconditional because we are so focused on what we desire.  God speaks to us… we just have to listen… and accept it. And then other times, we invite God in, but when it is not what we want to hear, we dismiss it. He enforces the right path for us, but if we don’t like it… we make excuses to no longer invite Him in. And through those choices, He still stands by us and waits to be accepted back into our lives. I learned that free-will is definitely an option, but God’s-Will is always the better option.

God’s response:

You could never be without me,

For I am in everything.

Every hug and every smile,

Every hurt and every scream,

Even in the sighs, that your soul so lightly sings.

I am in the Heavens, I am in the light,

I am with you when it’s dark,

And when you’ve fought the toughest fight.

I am amongst the living, I am holding on to the dead

How could you believe that I am not with you?

Have you forgotten the blood that I’ve shed?

First Corinthians, Chapter Thirteen

States the Characteristics of My love

I am not anything near human

I am the God that the Bible speaks of.

So, please re-direct your thoughts,

I am Who the Bible says,

Take time to get to know me,

And stop focusing on you instead.

The world will create a god,

So, let go of its manipulation.

Focus on My truth

And accept the true redemption.

            Again, these seemed to be the weaker writings (weaker writings, not less important of a message) of my book but still held truth to them. Even though I don’t relate much to them anymore, I know there are others who are at a different stage with God. The attacks from the enemy are real but you are not alone.

#Pray #Connect #Grow

#WeSpeak #HeListens #HeSpeaks #WeListen

How is focusing on Christ going to pay my bills?

I remember when I was 11 or 12 years old hearing my dad attempt to convince a friends-mom to accept Christ into her life. Her response was, “Listen, my focus lies on paying these bills. God isn’t going to pay my bills. Please excuse me so I can get some rest for work tomorrow.”

                   I never questioned my dad or anyone else about that woman’s response… but I did talk to God about it for years.

                   She was right. God was not going to give her money or pay her bills. She had to do that herself. (Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach him to fish, he eats for a lifetime. God will not rob us of our best selves by handing everything to us.) Beside the fact that God gave her 2 working legs, feet, arms, hands, a healthy brain, and a stable job that she pursued on her own… she seemed to still be correct. She was working, paying her bills, taking care of her health, taking care of her family, and who knows what else, all without inviting Christ into her life. She was doing – just – fine.

                   But was she really just fine? And even if she was, who wants to settle for “just fine?”

                   Let me introduce you to something that most of the world doesn’t know about: Happiness. She might have it all, or he might have it all, or they might be “just fine,” but life isn’t about being “just fine” or having things. Period. Yes, a yacht with an all you can eat buffet would definitely bring us happiness, but honestly, only for those that are wanting to escape life. Vacations are great, our minds and bodies need them, don’t twist what I’m saying. What I’m saying is, if everything disappeared except humanity, who would be left empty and who would be left with fulfillment?  Who would be left with nothing and who would be left with everything? (questioned directly by me)

                   Matthew 6:33 has been my most favorite verse for over 5 years now. Once I discovered it and the depth behind it, I’ve held onto it with my entire heart, mind, body, and soul. “Instead, be concerned above everything else with the Kingdom of God and with what He requires of you, and He will provide you with all these other things.”

First, I’d like to start by saying that I am human and the process was no-where near perfect and still isn’t. But, it is solid and has well-worth it results.

                   God is not directly paying my bills, but my bills are being paid directly because of Him. And not only are they being paid, but they are joyfully being paid.

                   I have spent most of my days connecting with God and being submissive to Him. Through this, I have learned who I am, whose I am, and how I want to be. Through this focus on Christ I have come to realize that my character has been built into a woman that works passionately, joyfully, and intelligently within the career path I am in now. And because of this, my employers, co-workers, clients, and their families, are happy with my services. Because of my choosing to Focus on Him, the Kingdom, and His requirements of me, my bills are joyfully being paid. And my bills consist of survival and enjoyment. Not unnecessary, unfulfilling things. Does this make sense?

                   As you focus on Christ, as scripture guides us to do, your whole being transforms — in which your whole life transforms. Focus on Christ and He will take care of all things. Relationship issues? Focus on what God requires of you (patience, kindness, understanding, not keeping record of wrongs, etc.) Job issues? Focus on the requirements (Discipline, maturity, determination, connecting with God to find your passion and pursuing that career, faith, reliability, effort, etc.) Health issues? Again, focus on Gods requirements (eating right, exercising correctly, praying with faith, having a calm soul through the process, etc.)

                   The list of problems goes on and on but so does the love of God, His wisdom, and His faithfulness. He doesn’t want us to focus on the “hell” part of life (fear, worry, stress, anger, etc.) or else the Bible would have stated THAT instead of what Matthew 6:33 says. (Of course we should be aware of those feelings, cautious, listen to them with wisdom, but not FOCUS on them.)

                   As you focus on Christ (His wisdom, teachings, sending you to help others, having the right character through the good and the bad, praying, knowing He is involved and in control therefore you do not have to be, reading scripture, BEING the scripture) your soul will be at ease and you will transform into the person you were ultimately meant to be. That way, if everything in the world did disappear or somehow no longer had any meaning to it… you would still be filled with happiness and faith as many others would be left lost and with fear.

Praying for all my readers. You are loved!

I pray every day — so why am I still depressed/anxious?

First off, I would like to begin the blog by reminding you that you are human, healing is a process, and that this is a personal blog from a woman who spends her time in prayer, meditation, and observing the world in her own way.

I’m going to clarify my beliefs based off my experience with depression and anxiety. Something which I am still working on till this day.

I was never diagnosed by a doctor with depression or anxiety… but I am super sure that if I ever walked into a doctor’s office and explained my thoughts and actions, they would have definitely diagnosed me and offered treatment. I was embarrassed to share my true thoughts and feelings with anyone, including doctors, because I figured I’d be called crazy, not a true Christian, and become more isolated than I already was.

I turned to God for therapy. I remember writing letters to Him regarding my thoughts and feelings, I remember asking Him “Why? Why not just end my life today or tomorrow?” I remember watching Joyce Meyer’s and Joel Osteen and hating how prideful they seemed yet loving the words they were saying. I remember forcing myself to listen to uplifting music, forcing myself to write down positive thoughts, refraining myself from music, movies, and people who made me feel sad in any way, and reading positive/uplifting books and quotes throughout the week. I also remember being sick and tired of uplifting and positive things. It felt fake, as if I was being lied to, and as if I was wasting my time.

“I’m sick of always having to think positive. I’m sick of always having to force myself to look on the bright side. I’m sick of always TRYING. I try, I lose, and then I have to start over again. I don’t want to TRY any more, I just want to BE.”

These were my fights with God starting back in 2014. 6 years later and all that “trying” has become my lifestyle. My life is not picture perfect, but it is absolutely beautiful, and I find myself absolutely beautiful (because of who God has created me to be). Of course, AS HUMAN, I forget it at times… but the truth always comes back to me.

Now that I look back at the years, I understand the process God had to play out for me.

First, rock bottom began my relationship with God. I was so shut down that I had absolutely no where to go. I had no choice but to actually reach out to God and depend on a response. I had friends and family but that didn’t mean I was brave enough to tell them “Hey, I’m legitimately thinking of killing myself in a few days if something doesn’t change in my life.” I knew 1 of 3 things would have happened.

  1. I wouldn’t have been taken seriously which would have caused more pain,
  2. They would have forced professional treatment on me which I hadn’t wanted, or
  3. They wouldn’t have had any answers to help me… so why would I have informed them if it would’ve been left at a dead end?

Second, Detox. He had to cut certain things from my life that were doing me no good. Did I cry over it because of the little faith I had and because I couldn’t see the big picture? Of course, I did. (Again, I’m human, one that has a lot to learn)

Third, Clarity. He had to get started on cleansing my heart, mind, and soul by overpowering the lies I had learned and taught me His truth.

My depression came from not truly believing God existed. He was more of a “lifestyle” to me or something that I was “used to” instead of really knowing He existed. Once I clearly understood that God was real, the words from the Bible came to life. Once I understood God loved me unconditionally, I realized that anything “terrible” that was happening to me wasn’t too terrible because God wouldn’t allow for my soul to be taken. I was financially unstable, single (which seemed like a horrible thing), uneducated, and viewed as less due to the worldly standards of “who is great and who is not great based off finances, education, marriage/family, and looks.” Which is something the enemy uses to distract us, causing pain to our hearts and minds, which drains the soul. The enemies target is not your circumstances or anything in this world… he only uses these things because he knows how consumed we are by them. The enemy uses these things to target our soul into depression and anger… it’s our soul that both God and the enemy are after. I realized that I could be living in a box with little to no food, and as long as I could give my soul to Christ, things would be okay.

I was very stubborn, though. Years ago, I would think words such as “So, I have to settle for a crappy life and choose to have a happy soul.” Words like that closed me out from Gods greatness.

God wants you to see and feel the true meaning of life, but you’d have to be willing to risk it all. By doing this, though, you are becoming free. Free of the lies that are taught to you, free of the standards the world places, free of the anger, free of anxiety, and free of the depression. And with that freedom comes success to living the life God has intended for you to live — which is not being alone, not living in a box with little to no food, and not having the urge to take your life away.

Gods truth (which is found in the Bible and through prayer) is that YOU were created for a purpose, and with God, you can seek out that purpose, you can put that purpose to work, and you can live every day joyfully because of this purpose.

Your focus needs to be shifted from the problems in life onto your capability, your passion, your contribution to the world, and allow God to be in control of all those things that have been hurting and damaging you. God’s truth tells us that His love is unconditional, that He is on our side, that we should not fear because He is with us, that we should not worry because he’s got it under control, and that worldly standards are nothing but distractions from the life God wants us to truly experience. A life of love and happiness is waiting for you as soon as you realize that God IS real, and His LOVE is real, and therefore nothing can harm your soul.

John 3:16 (For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have eternal life.) (this verse goes even deeper than heaven and hell. It applies to our lives here on earth as well.)

Ephesians 2: 4-5 (But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ.)

Begin the process, trust the process, enjoy the process.

1st Corinthians 7:7

1st Corinthians 12: 6-10

1st Corinthians 12: 27-31

1st Peter 4:11

Psalm 36:7

Psalm 109:21

Galatians 2:20

1 John 4: 9-10

Romans 5:5 (just read all of Romans)

Romans 5: 8

Romans 8:28

Romans 8: 31-32

Romans 8:35

Romans 8: 38-39

Romans 12: 6-8

Colossians 1:16

Jeremiah 29:11

Matthew 6:33

Proverbs 19:21

#Depression #Anxiety #Passion #Prayer #Pray #Connect #Grow #Faith #Believe #Life #Death #Love #Faith #Happiness #Joy #Sadness #Belief #Help #Scripture #Depth #Drive #Bible #Biblical #Christ #Purpose